“Whoever Wrote the Burn Book Probably Didn’t Think Anyone Would Ever See It”

Posted by Mika on Nov 30, 2010 in American politics, Canadian Politics, French Politics, German politics, Italian Politics, Middle East Politics, Russian Politics, U.K Politics | 3 comments

This week, Julian Assange, the founder of Wikileaks and (depending on who you ask) a noted whistle-blower/moralist/traitor/firebrand/saver of lives/damner of souls/albino dweeb has proved himself to be something else altogether: a master of entertainment. Like a modern day Euripides, Julian Assange has followed up his three part tragedy with a comedy, following up his damning evidence of cruelty and corruption in the Middle East with a warm hearted comedy about a bunch of American diplomats who get together for mojitos and bitch about their wacky friends and co-workers! “The Embassy Cables” is the funniest classified information leak of the season!

So Wikileaks pulled a Regina George and taped the U.S state department’s Burn Book all over the Internet. Barack Obama, in a snort-worthy moment of ridiculousness, made an official statement where he was all “we condemn the recent leaks because they put the lives of freedom loving people in danger!” Really Barack? The knowledge that ambassadors bitch about world leaders behind their back, in a medium which seems more and more like the American diplomat’s version of ICQ is life-threatening? The most dangerous thing to happen as a result of these leaks is most likely going to be me coming down to Washington to high-five the shit out of the State Department. Seriously guys! I’m LOLling!! This is hilarious! Better than hilarious, you confirmed what I’ve been suspecting all along!

How could you not be delighted that they call Kim Jong-il a “spoiled child” who demands to be taken seriously? Or that the U.K is as nervous as Grechen Wiener about being respected by the US, who totally said they were BFFAEAEA but still won’t let them wear hoop earrings? Is anyone surprised that the US still totally hates those UN bitches, and that everyone thinks Harper is a hypocritical asshole for not taking Omar Khadr back to Canada? Are we upset that we now know that Berlusconi is such a suck up to Russia, he’s practically suckling the teat of Putin’s moobs?? But it gets better…

Merkel is described as an enigma, and sceptical about the US. She is “risk averse and rarely creative”. So in other worlds, she’s a frigid old frauline incapable of feeling emotions?

Sarkozy has an opportunistic eye for grabbing attention and credit
He’s a vain little weenie who wants you to think he has a super big penis. OMG American State Department, ur sooo bad LMAO!! I totes agree LOL!!!

It’s really funny, because the Globe and Mail put together a bunch of the cables’ insults in this article and the writer tried really hard to work on a high school analogy. It ends up falling miserably flat however, because not only has the author never seen Mean Girls, but anyone who works at the Globe and Mail remembers as much about high school as I do about my days in the womb. I’m told by other adults that it was warm and wet in there, but I’m in no position to use it as a political analogy in a national newspaper. That would be embarrassingly ignorant of me, right? The Globe and Mail has no sense of it’s own embarrassing lack of insight, however, so it profiles leaders as “The Loser” or “The Wannabe” or “The Plain-Speaking……??!??”

Related posts:

1. Book Review: Game Change by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin