Music: The Refuge of Egomanical Political Sludge UPDATE!!
On Wednesday, I came across an article in the Toronto Star with that opened with this sentence:
Stephen Harper as Mick Jagger?
Naturally I could not finish the article right there, but after I ran to the washroom, heaved into the toilet bowl, spat a few times, flushed, blew my noise, walked to the grocery store, purchased a bottle of Gatorade, replaced the electrolytes in my body and took to my bed for several days, I managed to read the rest.
Recently the Conservative Party of Canada held a Christmas party which the Rt. Honourable Stephen Harper chose to hiijack with his fat, middle-aged insecurity. In an attempt to prove he’s “cool” and “normal” and “breathing” and “not a crusty scab of a human being” our PM had “formed a band”. This is to say, he bribed some older musicians of questionable taste to back him up while got behind the keyboard and made like Tony Banks with a doughnut problem. Stephen Harper then named his fake band ‘The Herringbones” (there are not enough unflattering adjectives in the world to explore my feelings about that), and subjected his MPs to five – five – songs. That’s five opportunities to smile at your boss while you try to swallow your own stomach acid.
What Stephen Harper didn’t know was that, far away in Russia, Vladimir Putin was creeping ahead in the contest to be the most egomanical world leader to ever rock. Putin slid ahead of the curve by performing a very slow, very accented, very hilarious rendition of Blueberry Hill. It all happened after a “waitress” asked him to sing for everyone and Putin was all “Whoo ME??? Nooooo…this is so…. so unexpected…I couldn’t possibly…” *pulls microphone out of breast pocket*. This clip brings back very fond memories of Goldeneye, when Bond goes into the strip club, where the Russian girls are all wearing cowboy hat and singing “Stand My Your Man”. Tragically, this clip is not on YouTube, but Putin’s is. While Stephan Harper sang exclusively for people on his payroll, the dude who is clapping like a mad man for Putin is actually French actor Gerard Deperdu, and I think we see Sharon Stone at some point. While I am tempted to give the winning point to Putin for actually singing for people who aren’t contractually obligated to tell him his penis is b – I mean, that his policies are good, Ii’m not so sure. How is Sharon Stone at a black tie charity gala, she hasn’t had a job in years! I’m not saying that Sharon Stone is a Russian sleeper agent – directly – but think about it…
Think about it.
UPDATE:
There is now a video of Harper singing “Sweet Caroline” on YouTube, and if you didn’t think Harper’s musical career was all politics before, nothing says “I have to be here for work” like revving up the crowd in two official languages. He then proceeds to sing the song like he’s eating a bowl of All Bran. He doesn’t like it, but he’ll get it done because he’s told it’s good for him. The key moments for me are when he says “touching”. Eventually one of his band mates has sing over him, it sounds so terribly alien coming from Harper’s fish lips.
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About the Site
Polonoscopy is a site devoted to political fluff. While I do appreciate that there are important issues out there… with respect… eh… don’t really care. Not here anyway, not now, that is not what Polonoscopy is about. Fluff. It’s all about image and perception in politics. Rather than vote for someone based on a record of public service and commitment to the meaningful issues of the day, wouldn’t you rather vote for someone who’s personality seems similar if only slightly more impressive then your own? Of course, we all would.
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