AAHHHHH PUPPIES!!!!!

Posted by Mika on Jan 9, 2011 in American politics, Canadian Politics | 1 comment

So nothing has happened in politics recently (well, obviously something happened, but I mean nothing good). Parliaments and Congresses and Diets around the world are still on their extended holidays and everyone is trying to make a virtue of sitting in Tim Hortons (or Dunkin’ Donuts, or Costa Coffee or whatever brand of weak, barely roasted, over-caffeinated sludge your nation proudly embraces as a unique part or their culture) chatting with the locals. I use the word “chatting” lightly, in a way that really means, blowing smoke up your own ass while the next guy tries to get a word in edgewise and then patting yourself on the back for the meaningful connection you just made. Jack Layton knows what I’m talking about. With a distinct lack of news stories to mock, I’m going into the archives and pulling out this little gem on how Putin messes with Angela Merkel using dogs.

So Vladimir Putin likes dogs and Angela Merkel doesn’t; it’s a crazy mixed up world! Putin, however, instead of counting this as one, charming, human flaw, hardly scuffing the surface of darling Angela’s almost-perfection, has decided to use her fear to his advantage. As we all know, this is the type of man who likes to know he was the biggest dick tits in the room. So when a pair of jugs like Merkel’s, which are not only large and fine but also represent a strong economy and disciplined workforce, full of citizens who are strong, free, and have a charming habit of calling their cellphones “mien handy”  (Now seriously… say it with a German accent… “mien haaaandy”. Ahhaaahaa… haha….*siiiiiiiigh*….my belly is full of laughter!) Putin must resort to trickery to remind everyone that he is the alpha boob.  I mean dog.  The Alpha dog. He does this by bringing in a delightful puppy and watching Angela sweat because dogs make her uncomfortable.  It’s like me and children.

Anyway, Putin sucks, but I don’t think there are many politicians who use their dogs for intimidation purposes.  Owning a dog usually says, ” I like cute things which have fur and are cute, obviously, I have a heart”.  In 1952, when Nixon was running for VP, he was part of a spending scandal where he was viciously attached from all angles.  How did he get out?  He talked about his dog, Checkers.  Checkers is, despite wikipedia saying otherwise, the most famous political dog ever.  I read somewhere that Checker’s grave received more visitors in a year than Nixon’s.

Bush Sr took a page out of Nixon’s book in 1992 when he name dropped his dog Millie, who, according to him, knew more about  ”foreign affairs than these two bozos” (those two bozos were Clinton and Al Gore, but don’t hold his against Millie, she is an innocent party.  Also, dead.) Wikipedia says that Millie is the most famous White House dog ever, because she was on an episode of Murphy Brown, but I still say Checkers.  (I used to watch the movie Dick, a lot.)

Dog of the moment is obviously Bo.  He has big white paws and was picked out by Ted Kennedy; the last ordainment of the holy clan.

American Presidents are not the only ones to keep dogs to remind people that they are human, and, you know, have a pulse, why, Canadian Prime Minister Stephan Harper is the proud owner of… Wait a second.  WAIT A SECOND… That’s a… a ….. I knew it!! WIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!

Stephan Harper’s nefarious familiars aside, I would go as far as to say the most ingenious use of a dog in politics occured right here in Canada.  Wartime Prime Minister William Lyon Mackenzie King was perhaps the most devoted dog owner the world has ever known. In his he owned three Irish Setters, all named Pat, and he loved them dearly.  He walked them, feed them, took them out to pee, petted them, loved them, talked to them, ate cookies with them, sampled fine scotch with them, asked them for political advise, thought they were vehicles for his dead mother’s soul on earth…. what can I say, he was devoted. I could say a million things about Mackenzie King, he is a very colourful man and truly one of my favourite political characters of all time, but one thing is clear…. he didn’t get elected for his personality.  The man didn’t know the meaning of the term “political spin”.  He sought political aid from his dead mother, his dog and his dead dog and he still has a very good reputation as a leader.  No one had to make that shit about the dog and the ghosts up either, it’s all in his diaries.  Yes.  He kept diaries.  Not memoirs to rewrite history, but DIARIES, with his thoughts and feelings that were meant for no one but himself.  It’s kind of baffling.  He didn’t use his dog for his political image, but tailored his policies around his dog’s advice.  In the pantheon of political dogs, I say that the Pats, though humble, are clearly the most reveared, having actually participated in the political process, and been the trusted advisors of a WWII Prime Minister.

In 1931, Mackenzie King recorded this about Pat I: “… dear little soul, he is almost human. I sometimes think he is a comforter dear mother has sent to me, he is filled with her spirit of patience, and tenderness and love.”

“We had to give Pat a taste of Scotch for his heart last night. It did him good”

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