Democracy or Bust: Rules For a Feel-Good Revolution

Posted by Mika on Feb 12, 2011 in Chinese Politics, Egyptian Politics, Hungarian Politics, Iranian Politics, Middle East Politics, Politics, Ukrainian Politics | 1 comment

Congratulations Egypt. In all seriousness, I’m happy to see that Mumbarak bitch go. You should all take note, I hated him before it was cool. Proof. But this isn’t about me, and me being a wise sage, or my beautiful flaxen locks, this is about…. other people? Over the last two weeks, Egypt has not only unseated a tyrant and got on thier way to a hastily essembled democracy, but they have schooled the world on how to run a successful and entertaining revolution. Not every uprising works. I’ve looked at the last fifty-odd years of revolution, and you’d be surprised how many either ended in terrible bloodshed or lasted so long that people just kind of got bored and wandered off. So to all of you potential freedom fighters out there, I’ve assembled a few tips to help get your revolution off the ground.

I. Keep it Short

I can’t stress this one enough. If you think your revolution might last more than two weeks, you might as well quit now. When you get stuck in a revolution rut and one of three things will happen. 1) People will remember they have jobs and lives and families to feed and stop wanting to stand outside picketing. 2) Other news will start to happen, and you will lose the world’s attention (more on this later) 3) Anderson Cooper will leave. He won’t like it, he’ll say he’s upset, but the fact is he’s got a bimonthly hair appointment on Fifth Avenue that silvery shimmer doesn’t maintain itself. Oh, I’m sorry, did you think he was just aging that way?

II. Erase Moral Ambivalence

I think this should be obvious, but just in case it is not: Only peaceful protests will capture hearts and imaginations. No pushing, shoving, Molotov-cocktails or sneering self-righteousness and try to oust only when you really have to. You may think that’s a bit harsh, but ask yourself why you never give a shit when French people protest? Because they do it every Wednesday! Other rules: don’t invite communists and please, oh please, don’t bring religion into anything. Religion has a way of muddying up a perfectly good black and white issue. To keep things nice and obvious, I would only suggest ousting leaders who have many palaces. A palace says a lot.

III. Award-Winning Photojournalism.

This is how, even if your revolution fails, you keep the spirit alive for generations to come. There have been a number of horrible, bloody revolutions out there, but the ones we remember the most are the ones with great pictures. A good photo pops up everywhere. They hit the awards circit, they go in Decade in Review features, they might go in a car commercial and they revolutions with good photos just tend to enter timelines more often because magazines and textbooks worry about attractive layout far more than history. Sometimes, great photos get staged again to try and convince people that the war a foreign government started was actually a nobel popular uprising.

See this photo, Stalin Toppled, from the Hungarian Revolution of 1956.

Look familiar??

IV. Stop All the Other News!!

Do not hold an uprising if you think you may be overshadowed. I can not stress this enough. Do not do it in an American election year, do not do it during a G20 conferance, do not do it during Paris Fashion Week. God help you if a beloved 80s popstar dies in the middle of your revolution, because, as millions of oppressed Iranians will tell you, when that happens, you’re on your own. Which leads me to Rule IV. b) Send multivitamins to Boy George.

V. Can You Find a Hottie for the Cause?

VI. Colour Code that Shit

If the revolution is Orange, Green or Purple, you have made it very easy for the International media to identify your protest. Which is important, because they probably don’t know anything about your country, culture, language or politics.

VI. Don’t let is Backslide.

This is my final rule. Egypt, don’t throw away a good thing. You made it out of the square alive, but the fight is not over. In two years, it could all be gone. I remember on New Years once, I think I was in Grade 10, belting out a round of “Yushchenko!” at midnight. The Ukranian revolution was going to succeed and everyone was high on freedom. Today, Viktor Yanukovych, the BAD GUY, is president. Trust me, that revolution had EVERYTHING going for it. Colours, hotties, peace… everything.  It was allowed to backslide.  So even my rules aren’t foolproof.

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