Stephen Harper Wins…

Posted by Mika on Apr 5, 2011 in Canadian Politics, Election 2011 | 1 comment

…at throwing a hilariously stereotypical campaign.  You know, the kind that features an awkward man overcompensating at being normal. Honestly, I thought it was going to be Ignatieff. After last summer’s handshakes and brewskies tour of Canada featuring  ”call me Michael” holding cheap beer in a meticulously pressed plaid shirt, I thought he had it in the bag. But alas, Stephen Harper had to ride in on an ATV, the chosen stead of neo-cons, this years’s Sea Doo.

Look at him. Isn’t he dashing? How long do you think he spent grappling with the helmet issue? “Now listen up staffers, I want to look family friendly- but also- bad ass. I specifically told photographers to shoot me from the eyes down but you know how these liberal media folks are trying to destroy me with their full body shots” Haha.. just kidding! There wasn’t any liberal media there! They were obviously banned.

I know what you must be thinking: Sure, he may be sexy squinting into the rain as he’s precariously mounted on an overgrown tonka truck, what man wouldn’t be? But does Stephen Harper also have the voice of an angel? Oh he does, my friends.  Stephen Harper’s voice is as smooth as it is sweet, as sticky as it is lukewarm. Stephen Harper’s voice is like a bowl of vanilla ice cream that you forgot you shoved under your bed last week and has now melted into a thick, saccharine puddle, just waiting to grow a soft coat yellow fuzz. Taste it yourself…

In fairness to Stephen Harper, this must have been a pretty nerve racking situation. First of all, Canada’s most Conservative Prime minister in years was forced to sing the hippiest red commie liberal song ever penned by man. So there’s that. Then there is the issue of the girl, who is both young, and ethnic-ish, two qualities Stephen Harper desperately wants to understand although it goes counter to everything he stands for. Sure, he sounds like he’s been castrated, but can you blame him?  He was singing about peace and love while sitting next to a little girl who has probably tasted curry, the man must have been terrified!

At least there is one thing Stephen Harper never has to worry about on the campaign trail: people. It’s not that he can’t draw a crowd, it is just that he’d just rather not. After all, people like to ask questions, and share opinions, and get to know you, and Harper is afraid all of that would make him look bad. True story: Stephen Harper has one photo-opp a day. He only allows one or two conservative journalists to attend, as well as his own official photographer, and certain pre-screened party members. If that doesn’t creep you out, think of this: that ATV picture, was 100% Harper approved. Seriously, he has a strangle hold on the media, and that shit still got published. A little hilarious, right?

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2. Harper Blandly Goes Where Others Have Boldly Gone Before
3. Harper’s Hot Carl
4. Tim Hortons Expands Harper’s Visibility