What the Fuck is Wrong with Ann Romney?
Americans, in an election year, (and, you know, not in an election year) are pretty bat-shit fucking insane. Bat-shit to a level of bat-shittery, where I don’t really bother anymore because seriously, what can I write that is as farcically stupid as the truth? Sometimes, when I’m reading about American politics – in actual, serious, respected publications – I need to just stop and lay down. Just to let it all wash over me. Then, when I wake up, I look at my hands to see if they’ve been replaced with deadly razor flippers. Then I look out the window to see if we suddenly have two suns setting across the sand dunes, because honestly, becoming a deadly flipper-monster on the planet Tatooine makes about as much sense to me as people voting for Rick Santorum. That is bat-shittery.
Rick Santorum is out now, and America finally has time to focus on the candidate that matters: Ann Romney. Ann Romney, as we all know because she is now officially the most visible person in the election campaign, is apparently running for Mitt Romney’s humanizer-in-chief. Mitt Romney, a hypocrite with terrible ideas, has one problem that makes him unelectable in the United States: he’s not charming. I have actually had the dubious pleasure of seeing Mitt Romney in person when he was on tour for his book No Apologies. While we were in Toronto at the time, the crowd at Indigo Books was 95% American and all Mitt had to do was spew some folksy bullshit about how great ‘murrica is to a crowd of ex-pats dying to feel exceptional again. He couldn’t even manage that. He basically got up there and said that he doesn’t like Obama because of… isn’t it great to be here in Canada? Beautiful lakes. But really America is just… it’s something special isn’t it (half-hearted cheers) and that’s why it doesn’t matter…. sure, there are dead Arab children now but America?…The Economy. The end. No, he didn’t take questions after; taking questions from hero-worshiping sycophants outside of an election cycle would just be too difficult. Thus, we have Ann Romney. A crazy-eyed, over-reacting, under-achieving Real Housewife of Somewhere Stupidly High Income whose sole purpose in this campaign is to make Mitt Romney look human.
Her first project was to make him look like a goofball. On the campaign trail, when someone suggested Romney was “stiff”, Ann Romney said ”I guess we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out”… So there is that. “That” being an awkward penis joke. For America. Then she referred to him as her “sixth son”, because being a child somehow makes him a good father? But none of that matters anymore because she’s onto her second project, making Mitt appeal to women, which… grrrrrrrrrafufufugawwwwwwwwwd. I’m honestly as likely to have a tiny elf-sniper assassinating civilians from my left nostril as I am to agree with Ann Romney’s tactics here.
So these days the Romneys’ hate abortion, birth control, sex-ed, and pretty much anything that gives women free agency or treats sex like something less than a sacred God-boogie that spits baby miracles. Naturally, most women are not down with Romney’s potential presidency for this reason. Lucky for Mitty, his wife has been working around the clock to bring at least some women to the Republican base… and it looks like she’s going for the stupid ones.
A while ago Ann Romney bravely said that it is actually Obama that hates women, because 90% of the jobs lost in the recession belonged to women. This accusation was, of course, not true at all (remember how two years ago it was men we were supposed to feel sorry for? If not, why is “Man-cession” a part of my lexicon?) but at the time it just seemed like typical batshit American fact-inventing and economy humping in order to distract people from caring about real things because that’s what batshit people do. Then a woman named Hilary Rosen, who is a a left-wing commentator with absolutely no ties to the Obama White house, said that it was a bit rich to hear Ann Romney talking about the working women and the economy, as she’s never actually contributed to the economy beyond dropping dolla bills at Williams-Sonoma and has never actually worked a day in her life. Which is true. 100% true. Nevertheless, a shit storm arose because Ann Romney was a stay-at-home Mom which is like.. the hardest job in the world, OK?
I’m really not going into the whole raising kids issue, because I don’t understand it, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the hardest job in the world. I’m going to go ahead and say it comes somewhere after being in the army, coal mining, underwater welding or, you know, having a job AND raising kids. Which is what most people do. Staying at home is the tough choice of the ridiculously privileged. Is it hard to be a stay-at-home parent? Maybe, but you know what else is probably hard? Sailing your yacht around the world, but I would love to have those sorts of problems. Also, let’s not pretend that stay-at-home-parents are unduly criticized in the United States. They don’t get half the judgement that working Mums do, so I hope they really enjoy milking the shit out of this non-issue because they will not get to be the injured party again.
The real point here is that Ann Romney is talking about the economy and she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. She’s never worked. Not while raising kids, not before raising kids, not after raising kids (her youngest child is 31 by the way, and yet, she’s still playing the Mommy card.) Not only has Ann Romney never had a career, she’s never had a job at all. Not even a rich-kid fake job, like life-guarding or being a camp councilor. As my dear friend at the Scarlet Woman pointed out, bitch has never even filed a T4. I don’t care if she raised five boys, her Mommy time has been bookended by stints of lazy fuckery. She knows less about the economy than Michelle Bachman, who not only had a job and raised 5 children, but also had to do it with financial limitations. This is supposed to attract women voters away from Barack Obama? Who not only doesn’t want to turn the women of America into glorified baby-poopers but also has a smart, professional wife AND coaches Sasha’s basketball team on Saturdays? IT’S BAT-SHITTERY I tell you, BAT-SHITTERY.
This is why I can’t deal with American politics. Because it makes more sense for me to have a colony of sweet natured shrimp prostitutes turning tricks in my retinas then to have Ann Romney be a legitimate voice for women in the United States.
Here’s a link to some Ann Romney bumper stickers. I know. We should all probably just kill ourselves.
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