“Whoever Wrote the Burn Book Probably Didn’t Think Anyone Would Ever See It”
This week, Julian Assange, the founder of Wikileaks and (depending on who you ask) a noted whistle-blower/moralist/traitor/firebrand/saver of lives/damner of souls/albino dweeb has proved himself to be something else altogether: a master of entertainment. Like a modern day Euripides, Julian Assange has followed up his three part tragedy with a comedy, following up his damning evidence of cruelty and corruption in the Middle East with a warm hearted comedy about a bunch of American diplomats who get together for mojitos and bitch about their wacky friends and co-workers! “The Embassy Cables” is the funniest classified information leak of the season! So Wikileaks pulled a Regina George and taped the U.S state department’s...
Read MoreHow to Not Get Shot in Russia
A few summers ago, I worked as a hostess/bus bitch at an upscale bar on Queen’s Quay. It wasn’t the worst, actually. Every night I had the privilege of watching Euro tourists enjoy a $15 martini while unbuttoning thier shirts just enough give the ladies a glimpse of thier belly buttons. If you must get a job picking up crusty martini glasses you might as well be wiping Chanel lipstick off your fingers, while some guy with a chin strap blows shisha in your face and tries to bribe you into giving his lycra-clad girlfriend a table closer to the lake. While I do want to give honourable mention to the Bulgarians, the Romanians, and inhabitants of the Balkins in general, no one was as fun to watch as the Russians. This is for two...
Read MoreThere is a Child
The spring of 2006 was an exciting time for me. I graduated from high school, I got accepted into university, my hair was starting to look less retarded and I discovered a pasta sauce that tasted just like butter… and then lost it forever. Yes it was a time of discovery and loss, and it was also the spring of Junichiro Kozumi. In the last four years, Japan has had at least three Prime Ministers and people are treating these short-lived regimes as some sort of long-standing Japanese political epidemic. Has it been so long? Have they already forgotten you, my mushroom-haired-manga-dreamboat? You who ruled for five consecutive, glorious years? How could they? You were the Prime Minister of the Future, what with your divorced...
Read MoreSquishy Mao
It’s difficult to find a story about Chinese politics that doesn’t make me angry. It try really hard to post about the Chinese, I read all kind of stories, but after the initial black out I always come to to find my modem covered in bite marks and my fists full of my own hair. So yessss… pretty dangerous. I actually liked this story though, because it helps me to believe that China is once again ruled by an evil royal dynasty. Knowing what I do about the Chinese Communist Party, I can’t help but feel nostalgic for the relatively benign rule of the Qing Empress Dowager Cixi and her jade barge full of severed penises. Instead we have tubby Mao Xinyu, Mao Zedong ‘s only living grandson. He is 40 years old, he...
Read MoreNooooooo!!! Miyuki!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, it’s all over. Last week Yukio Hatoyama resigned as Prime Minister of Japan. He governed for less then a year. He had a batshit crazy wife and was often call “that alien” by the Japanese public, who were put off by his creepy eyes and eccentric behavior. One entrepreneur released collector candies with him and his cabinet surrounded by flying saucers little green men. Despite all these lofty achievements, his friends will remember Hatoyama simply as “ET”, the weirdest little guy to ever rule Japan. We think. For now, let us take a moment to remember the First Lady, who’s alien abduction and other life relationship with Tom Cruise made us all smile. May the cameras follow you always, Miyuki,...
Read MoreYeltsin’s Munchies
I miss the days of soft power in Russia. I miss the diplomacy, I miss the sense of humour wraught from international humiliation, I miss the days when a Russian president was actually supposed to leave office. Perhaps I just miss Boris Yeltsin. I would take that man’s red face and sporadic organ failure over Putin’s Moobs any day. There stood Russian president Boris Yeltsin, drunk and wearing only his underpants while he tried to hail a cab across from the White House. Through slurred speech, he explained to U.S. officials that he’d only wanted a pizza. This story is from a new book about Bill Clinton (THE CLINTON TAPES!!) coming out in a few weeks. The book is chalked full of little anacdotes about the Clinton...
Read MoreAbout the Site
Polonoscopy is a site devoted to political fluff. While I do appreciate that there are important issues out there… with respect… eh… don’t really care. Not here anyway, not now, that is not what Polonoscopy is about. Fluff. It’s all about image and perception in politics. Rather than vote for someone based on a record of public service and commitment to the meaningful issues of the day, wouldn’t you rather vote for someone who’s personality seems similar if only slightly more impressive then your own? Of course, we all would.