Democracy is Annoying, Now Suck It Up and Vote
The election process is almost over. You’ve seen the attack ads (probably), you’ve watched the debates (probably not), you’ve smacked a cocky, 20-year-old hack canvasser in the face (I certainly hope so) and today is the day all that bullshit is going to pay off. Today, you get to take a short to medium walk, stand in line, flash some i.d to a half-blind, elderly volunteer, put an x on a sheet of paper and then smoosh it into a cardboard box. Boom. Democracy. But some people don’t take part in this magical process. This is either because they are too busy eating cheetos or because they think that democracy has been twisted into a slobbering, ugly, self-aggrandizing, underachieving version of its former self. But...
Read MoreNew, Harper-Approved Political Compass!!
Election day is tomorrow!!! While some of us are died-in-the-wool political hacks who not only know who we’ll be voting for, but who we’re going to shower in righteous spittle on our way to the polls, the rest of you might need the Political Compass. The Political Compass was invited by the well meaning folks at the CBC to help voters discover the political party that most aligns with their personal values….or was it? According to fine publications such as the Toronto Sun, the CBC is actually staffed by a bunch of latte-sipping Chretien-ites who want to trick you into voting for The Coalition so they can keep you and your family on the elite gravy train merry-go-round. Luckily, we at Polonoscopy have exclusive access...
Read MoreThis Year’s Debate: Like Other Debates, but Newer
This week we were treated to two debates hosted by the always prudent, always fair, always viewer-oriented CBC. The stage was set with a geometric motif in yellow and grey, all held together by the massive orange maple leaf which consumed the centre of the floor, kicking you in the teeth with commercial patriotism. The theme was clear: The Future, circa 1973. Even the cameras played a role as they visibly chugged across the studio walls like George Jetson’s flying car. Also in the vein of 1973, the women were kindly asked to stay at home. The leaders were all costumed in their regular stage outfits. On both nights Ignatieff wore a nice-but-not-too-nice suit with the typical Liberal red tie, Gilles Duceppe wore whatever he found at...
Read MoreGrumble Grumble Grumble DEBATES
What is the hallmark of any democratic election process? ….. Casual slacks. After that, I’d probably say either wearing a hard hat to make a point about industry, or allowing some strange kid to wipe his nose on your sweater during a press conference. After that there is pretending to like immigrants in the city, while reminding people in the country that they are the only Real Canadians, then you’ve got Jr. hockey, then you need your barely literate attack ads and well… somewhere down the road you’re also going to have to have a debate. I know, it’s a bummer, but the people seem to expect it. You are, however, allowed to whine about it. No debate should ever just happen, the candidates should bitch...
Read MoreStephen Harper Wins…
…at throwing a hilariously stereotypical campaign. You know, the kind that features an awkward man overcompensating at being normal. Honestly, I thought it was going to be Ignatieff. After last summer’s handshakes and brewskies tour of Canada featuring ”call me Michael” holding cheap beer in a meticulously pressed plaid shirt, I thought he had it in the bag. But alas, Stephen Harper had to ride in on an ATV, the chosen stead of neo-cons, this years’s Sea Doo. Look at him. Isn’t he dashing? How long do you think he spent grappling with the helmet issue? “Now listen up staffers, I want to look family friendly- but also- bad ass. I specifically told photographers to shoot me from the eyes...
Read MoreAbout the Site
Polonoscopy is a site devoted to political fluff. While I do appreciate that there are important issues out there… with respect… eh… don’t really care. Not here anyway, not now, that is not what Polonoscopy is about. Fluff. It’s all about image and perception in politics. Rather than vote for someone based on a record of public service and commitment to the meaningful issues of the day, wouldn’t you rather vote for someone who’s personality seems similar if only slightly more impressive then your own? Of course, we all would.