Democracy is Annoying, Now Suck It Up and Vote
The election process is almost over. You’ve seen the attack ads (probably), you’ve watched the debates (probably not), you’ve smacked a cocky, 20-year-old hack canvasser in the face (I certainly hope so) and today is the day all that bullshit is going to pay off. Today, you get to take a short to medium walk, stand in line, flash some i.d to a half-blind, elderly volunteer, put an x on a sheet of paper and then smoosh it into a cardboard box. Boom. Democracy. But some people don’t take part in this magical process. This is either because they are too busy eating cheetos or because they think that democracy has been twisted into a slobbering, ugly, self-aggrandizing, underachieving version of its former self. But...
Read MoreNew, Harper-Approved Political Compass!!
Election day is tomorrow!!! While some of us are died-in-the-wool political hacks who not only know who we’ll be voting for, but who we’re going to shower in righteous spittle on our way to the polls, the rest of you might need the Political Compass. The Political Compass was invited by the well meaning folks at the CBC to help voters discover the political party that most aligns with their personal values….or was it? According to fine publications such as the Toronto Sun, the CBC is actually staffed by a bunch of latte-sipping Chretien-ites who want to trick you into voting for The Coalition so they can keep you and your family on the elite gravy train merry-go-round. Luckily, we at Polonoscopy have exclusive access...
Read MoreSamantha Cameron Gives Up
When I woke up today at 4:15 am, I did not know that within hours, I would see a woman emancipated from the expectations of her class, who would finally show her true self and take control of her future in front of an audience of billions. That’s right friends, today, April 29th, 2011 Samantha Cameron: Fashion Icon… wore a barrette, but I’m getting ahead of myself. I woke up at 4:15 today. I had hardly slept at all due to the knowledge that I would have to be up at 4:15. All night I just lay awake, stressing myself out about being awake, closing my eyes only to open them again five minutes later triumphantly thinking “I’ve done it!! I’m UP!!, only to look at the clock and discover that was only...
Read MoreSilvio Burlisconi Opens His Mouth Again
I…. I can’t. I can’t even…. Here’s the quote, courtesy of the Daily Mail. The Italian premier, 74, who is facing a charge of paying a 17-year-old for sex, cracked the lewd joke while being interviewed – before asking the crew not to report it. The billionaire tycoon was asked to recall the best manager to lead AC Milan, the Italian football club he is president of. He said: ‘Look I am getting old. This morning I was chasing my secretary to do her on the table and she said: “Prime Minister we only did it two hours ago.” So you see my memory is going.’ Berlusconi is then heard saying: ‘If you lot broadcast that then you are all a bunch of *****.’ Footage of his latest gaffe was screened on...
Read MoreHate Canadian Politics? Watch This Dude Watch Porn.
There are 14 more days until Canadians officially go to the polls. If Polonoscopy was a small business, then this time would be kind of like Christmas for me. Normally I’m just a humble purveyor of the most perverted political insights, with a small but loyal clientele. During election season it’s different; I get street traffic. Which is to say, I am a mysterious link people accidentally click on after they’ve preformed a Google search that’s far too broad, and I like it. This is why I’ve been so focused on the Canadian Election lately, so I can lure these lost children into my internet home, indoctrinate them with my views and hope they never escape. That’s just good business. For my...
Read MoreThis Year’s Debate: Like Other Debates, but Newer
This week we were treated to two debates hosted by the always prudent, always fair, always viewer-oriented CBC. The stage was set with a geometric motif in yellow and grey, all held together by the massive orange maple leaf which consumed the centre of the floor, kicking you in the teeth with commercial patriotism. The theme was clear: The Future, circa 1973. Even the cameras played a role as they visibly chugged across the studio walls like George Jetson’s flying car. Also in the vein of 1973, the women were kindly asked to stay at home. The leaders were all costumed in their regular stage outfits. On both nights Ignatieff wore a nice-but-not-too-nice suit with the typical Liberal red tie, Gilles Duceppe wore whatever he found at...
Read MoreAbout the Site
Polonoscopy is a site devoted to political fluff. While I do appreciate that there are important issues out there… with respect… eh… don’t really care. Not here anyway, not now, that is not what Polonoscopy is about. Fluff. It’s all about image and perception in politics. Rather than vote for someone based on a record of public service and commitment to the meaningful issues of the day, wouldn’t you rather vote for someone who’s personality seems similar if only slightly more impressive then your own? Of course, we all would.